A Nice Guy's Guide to Dating Success

Has it ever happened to you?  Have you ever had the experience of liking a woman, being a perfect gentleman, only to have her reject you in favor of someone else, who's possibly more handsome but who doesn't treat her right, or doesn't seem to care about her much at all?


Do women tell you you're "too nice" to be their dates? If so, you are not alone. Let's brainstorm for a minute and think about what makes the so-called charm-boys more attractive and how to use charm-boy traits to your advantage, while retaining your nice-guy values. 

The so-called charm-boys are usually fun, spontaneous, unpredictable, mysterious, and act as if they don't care what others think of them. This is due to their self confidence. They follow their own rules and don't let others walk all over them. And they often look good with this attitude.

So what can you do to increase your confidence levels?  You don't have to engage in risk-taking behaviors. Just be what you are and show a little bit of courage. Suggest some "safe" ideas on the spur of the moment. For example, "Let's go get some ice cream" or "Let's go catch a movie." If this is not the usual "you," you may enjoy your new-found spontaneity.  You can be mysterious/unpredictable without having to violate your principles. 

Many women likes men who are confident and decisive. On a date, take command but don't be pushy. Always have an alternate plan in case your initial plan doesn't work out. For example, you can't have a day out at park when it is raining outside. Always be flexible, in case your date hates Chinese food, be spontaneous in coming up with another suggestion. Low-cost dates conducive to getting to know each other include visit to a zoo, a museum, or a mini-hike at national parks. In addition to saving you money, these low-cost dates also minimize the feeling that you have to "spoil" her or "buy" her affection with an extravagant wining-and-dining evening. And if she likes you, she won't mind a "cheap" date; she just wants to be with you. 

Keep it light and upbeat.  Don't be needy or act nervous. You might be a bit anxious while on a date, but she doesn't need to know that. Keep things light and humorous, and pay attention to her. That in itself will help you take the focus off you and help you feel more confident. And most important of all, be a gentleman. For example, always offer to pick up the bill unless she insists on paying, open doors for her, etc. But don't overdo the gifts, lest you appear desperate. 
Let her talk.  This is where nice guys have an advantage. Most women like to communicate verbally and welcome the chance to be heard. But make sure you pay attention and listen. Don't just let your mind wander. Respond to her while she talks. She will be impressed if you remember details about things that are important to her, such as her pet's name or her favorite book. If you met her online, review her profile for questions you can ask her about her interests. 

Neatness counts.  Take another hint from the charm boys. You don't have to be a Brad Pitt look-alike, but make the most of what you have. Review your grooming, clothes, and accessories with an objective eye. If you want feedback, ask a friend, possibly a female friend, for honest input. Just because you are dating a woman doesn't mean you drop everything else including your own friends, hobbies, and interests. After all, relationships can come and go. Keep being yourself. When you really want to do something and she wants you to cancel your outing plan so that you can go shoe shopping with her, it's okay to decline. Telling her "no" may be difficult for nice guys. But if she's worth keeping, she will respect you for this and value her time with you more. To soften the blow, you might offer her an alternative get-together. For example, "Sorry I can't make it on Saturday. How about I take you to that new movie you've been wanting to see on Sunday instead? And we can shop for shoes too." 

How does she rate?  Remember: You have the right to evaluate her and you should. Just because she's attractive/smart/classy doesn't necessarily mean she's right for you. Does she treat you well? Is she kind? Does she have decent self-esteem? Is she giving? If you're looking for a long-term relationship, can you see yourself still with her 20 years into the future, when the looks start to fade? 

The good news for nice guys is that as women get older, perhaps having survived a bad-boy heartbreak, they are more likely to appreciate nice guys. Make a list of your good points, the qualities you have to offer. Keep at it. And start believing in yourself!